


Lucky

by Glasssneaker



Series: The Other Things [2]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: M/M, Narrator Takao Kazunari, POV First Person, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-19 21:47:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20216791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glasssneaker/pseuds/Glasssneaker
Summary: That day Cancer's lucky item was... a love interest.





	1. Tic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ansa_atir](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ansa_atir/gifts).

> This is the first straight up romantic comedy I've written. I wanted to try it, and I thought these two were perfect for it.
> 
> (I don't know how much the premise has been used before. It sounds like something many people must have thought of before me, but I have no idea.)
> 
> This is a companion fic to my main fic [The Other Things](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15618873), but it can be read independently.
> 
> This was an interesting thing to write, because to be honest, Midorima was always one of my least favourite characters and a little inaccessible to me, but the moment I started looking at him from Takao's perspective I could see that he was, in fact, quite interesting. So, this was actually a learning experience!

The morning of the day my life changes forever, that’s the morning I also almost choke on my coffee. It ends up in my little sister’s cereal, and she screams, I think so anyway, because I’m incapable of focusing on anything else than the TV screen. I know she’s yelling at me, but I ignore it.

_That. God. Damned. Horoscope._

Nothing else goes through my mind, except that. That, and how it’s going to end me.

Until my little sis yells so loudly to get her new breakfast that I snap out of it for a moment, since I want to shut her up. She’s at an age where every tiny thing deserves to be treated like a huge drama, I think. And sure, I’d probably be more apologetic if my drama wasn’t a little more significant at the moment.

_If I just hadn’t seen that_, I think. _If only I’d missed just this day._

My hands are actually shaking when I pour milk on a fresh bowl of cereal.

_WHY did I even start watching them in the first place??_

But it’s a stupid enough question. I couldn’t have known. I couldn’t have imagined that this day would come. Not in a form of a stupid horoscope, anyway. But it’s here. It’s here, and I’m screaming in my mind, so much louder than my sister could ever scream. Because I knew that one day this would happen one way or another. But my mind doesn’t want to accept that it’s now, that it’s this way. That just like this, it’s all going to end.

_Damn it, Shin-chan. Damn you, and damn me, and damn your horoscopes, and damn it all!_

– You’re pouring the milk in the sink, I hear my sister say.

My hand won’t stop shaking.

– Argh! I yell out loud. – I have enough problems as it is!

She snorts.

– You? What problems do _you_ have?

I glare at her.

– You wanna know what my problems are!? My whole _being_ is a problem!

And the milk spills on the table when I slam the bowl of cereal in front of her. She stares at me with wide eyes, a look that says I’m mental.

– Okay, Geez, calm down, she says, like anything regarding the cereal is not even worth it anymore. Like she gets to play the mature one, now. And I know it’s not her fault, not in anyway, none of my problems have anything to do with her, and she’s the best and cutest sister in the world, but I also can’t even begin to explain what I’m feeling at the moment. So, I just shake my head and turn away to go back to my room. And as I go, it flashes in front of my eyes, in way too shiny, way too big letters. What I saw on TV. The moment, the information is burned on my retina.

Shin-chan’s lucky item for today:

_A love interest._

No matter who it is, it’s going to be the end of me.

So, what are my problems, again? Basically three things.

One: I have no idea where my life is going. 

Because no matter what I do, I always end up feeling like I’m almost good enough, like I have almost enough ambition, and for that reason I’m always going be missing out on _something._

There’s just so much to do in life, so many opportunities just waiting, but it’s like, at the same time it’s too much and nothing at all. Because no matter how many things you can imagine, no matter how many choices there theoretically are, if you’re not fit for any of them, if there’s always someone better than you, if you’re not in a position to get even one of those things, to make the most of just one thing… Then, no matter how positive of an attitude you put up, you’re still, positively doomed.

There’s so much, but you’re left with nothing in the end, everything just passes you by.

If I were to say this to my sister, she would snort and say it’s not a real problem, it’s in my head, it’s nothing but fear, and it’s not like me to say something like that.

Damn right, it’s fear. Because I know. I know I’m already missing out on everything. Partly because…

Two: I’m _so_ gay.

So gay, that I probably knew I was gay before everyone else knew they were straight. I still remember getting in trouble in preschool for wanting to play wedding with another boy. Also I was a hugger but hugging boys was always somehow more exciting. Of course, at school that particular kind of frisky part of my personality was shamed out of me. Or just deep in. Who knows.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so self-aware, that I had the ability to forget childhood experiences like most people seem to. If I did, I might have been able to convince myself, if not that I was straight, maybe just that the gay part of me wasn’t so significant, so always there.

But it’s impossible. I can’t ever begin to forget it, not even for one moment, no matter how much more convenient that would be. When I try, the more I push my feelings away, the sicker it feels. Like I’m actually about to barf rainbows.

I think no one will ever notice as long as I make everything in life a joke. If I always look at things, and people mischievously, no one will notice a difference, if I slip and look at someone… the wrong way. Or even if they do, they’ll never think I’m serious. They’ll just think it’s another joke. So, that way, I get by.

But I could never say this to my sister. She would probably accept it, but my parents would more likely disown me, and I’m not about to burden her with the secret. If I told her, she would probably finally agree that I’m missing out on something. But then she would tell me to do something about it. And what the hell is there that I could do?

Sometimes I fantasize about going away. Far, far, far away. But as it is, I’m stuck here and I feel like, even if I get away some day, my best years will be behind me or something. And I sound so old when I think that, that it makes me feel more sick about everything.

She wouldn’t really understand. She’s too young and innocent. She doesn’t know, and for God’s sake, I hope she never will know, what it feels like to be me. What it feels like, when you’re so obvious that your sister can see it on your face every single time you think you’re in love again. And then having to lie about it. Having her offer you advice about why none of those assumed girls never like you back. Having to listen to it over and over again, because you love your sister, but knowing all the time what the real reason is. Because it’s hopeless.

God, I wish she’ll never know. What it feels like to wake up and find those butterflies in your stomach again, and to know, with complete certainty, that it’s going to be hopeless, again. And again and again.

I guess there’s a small, theoretical possibility that once in a while it wouldn’t be, if you got really, really lucky… but… then again, in practice it’s still hopeless. Because how are you ever going to know if it was reciprocal? Who is ever going to be that daring? And yeah, I’m not stupid, I know that people like me have found ways throughout history. But it absolutely baffles me. I don’t understand it. I don’t get how. I feel like there’s an unbreakable barrier between me and anyone who is like me, so I’m never going to know. I know I’m not the only one but it feels like I might as well be.

And of course I also have to be the type to always be falling in love, being in love, or falling out of love with very little time in between before the process starts over again.  
Which brings me to my last problem.

Three: Shin-chan.

The lucky bastard. He really has no visible item with him today, so at least I know that his love interest isn’t a chess board or a collection of jazz or something. Not that I ever thought it was. For once I’m actually really glad that we never have to face each other while going to school on the rickshaw. I was still kinda debating whether I should just be sick today so I didn’t have to find out who to hate for the rest of the year. But my curiosity got the best of me.

I clearly have a death wish.

– You’re pleasantly quiet today, Shin-chan says with a mild surprise in his voice.

– Who? Me? No…

– To what do I owe this pleasure? he goes on. And my self-consciousness and thoughts are about to turn my face red, so I just say:

– Cold. I have a… cold. It’s… spring cold.

I cough to make my point.

– Oh.

The truth is my thoughts are just going round and round so rapidly my attention is all inside my head. It crossed my mind that maybe Shin-chan doesn’t _have_ a love interest. But it can’t be. Because every time he’s had trouble finding his lucky item of the day he’s done everything he can to find it. He wouldn’t be sitting here with that relaxed face. (Well, relaxed by his standards.) Like nothing in particular is bothering him. He takes it all so seriously that I’m positive that if he wasn’t in love, he would set out to fall in love just because of one day! So, he must have someone. And because he’s sitting there, like any other day, it must mean that person goes to our school. There’s no way he would be acting like this otherwise.

Part of me wants to point out the lack of an item, because he always has it, so it’s kind of weird that I don’t point it out, because he must be expecting me to, because when do I ever mind my own business, but he probably also doesn’t want me to notice, because then he would know I’m keeping tabs on him to see who he’s with, and dear lord I’m overthinking this so badly that I’m too paralyzed to do anything. I’m not myself today, but, that’s to be expected I guess.

I think I just sighed out loud.

I freeze, and almost expect Shin-chan to make another remark, but he doesn’t. Yeah, why would he start another conversation if he’s so happy that I’m quiet? I really do annoy him, don’t I? Just because we had good moments on the court this year, doesn’t mean I’ve stopped annoying him. It doesn’t even mean _he’s_ stopped annoying me. But it’s different. The reason why he annoys me is so different and doesn’t make me feel any better about myself.

To think that I started this year kinda almost hating him. I just have the worst luck in the world lately, don’t I?

My worst fear comes true during the first period. Because Shin-chan’s still acting completely normal. Doesn’t seem to have any difficulty focusing on the math problems. Meanwhile, I just can’t stop stealing glances at him. Because this can only mean one thing. His love interest is in our class. There’s just no other way. He wouldn’t be acting so normal if it wasn’t the case. He would’ve made up some excuse to be in the same class today, as that person. Some weird and complicated excuse, I’m sure he could’ve pulled of somehow. When it comes to getting his lucky item, Shin-chan will do anything.

So I have to be right. Whoever that person is, they’re here. And there’s no way I won’t find out, there’s no way I’ll be able to close my eyes from it. I’ll have to see him and that person every day at least for the rest of the year. Luckily there isn’t so much of the year left…

But almost as I think it, the class ends, and the next thing I see is Shin-chan… storming out of the classroom.

For a few seconds I just sit there, blinking, dumbfounded. Then it dawns on me that I was wrong. His… lucky item is _not_ in our class.

It almost makes me laugh out loud! He looked so calm there, through the entire class that he fooled me. But in reality, he must have had it so hard, trying to stay calm and just wait for the class to end, so he could get to his lucky item!

And I guess I could just be satisfied with this. I could just be glad it’s not someone in our class, so it’s less likely to be someone I know, or someone I like, which would be the worst nightmare, because I’m not sure I could like them anymore after knowing… Yeah, I’m that selfish. So, I guess it would make sense. To be satisfied and just leave it. To sit here and wait for the next period.

I don’t.

My heart is racing unnecessarily as I rush past people on the hallway, looking for Shin-chan. But I don’t have to look for long. I see him standing in the hallway. Just standing, and maybe… scanning for someone? I try to hide behind people as I approach him, but he’ll probably see me when I get close enough… A group of people passes in front of me, and when they’re gone… so is Shin-chan.

I look around but he’s nowhere. I rush to the direction I saw him standing in, since there aren’t too many directions he could’ve gone to without me noticing. I practically run to the next corner, and then…

I’m surprised, because I see Shin-chan again, looking around, scanning the crowd. Now I’m positive he’s looking for someone. And then I see him stop in front of some classroom, looking in at the door. And then, after a while, he… just keeps on walking ahead in the hallway.

I don’t get it. It’s like…

It’s like he doesn’t _know_ what class his lucky item is in. What kind of a person likes someone and doesn’t even know their classroom?? Okay, I guess I wouldn’t put it past someone as eccentric as Shin-chan. I guess he’s too busy keeping up with the supernatural that he doesn’t have enough time for people. Not even for his love interest. I guess that thought should feel a little a bit comforting. Whoever it is, she’s always going to be second best. (Because let’s face it, it’s a she.) No wait. Third. First the supernatural, then basketball, and only then, perhaps, the person he likes.

I feel like such a douche for grinning at this thought.

I manage to follow Shin-chan without him seeing me. He’s so focused on looking for that person. But he doesn’t seem to be able to find her. I follow him outside. But, then he suddenly seems to want to get away from people. I stop for a second, but then go ahead and follow him behind a corner of the building. But then, when I get there…

Shin-chan is suddenly standing in front of me. I almost startle. He looks at me with that cold and sharp look, his arms crossed. I feel like my face is in danger to go red. Damn it, I’ve honed my not-blushing-in-front-of-Shin-chan skills so adamantly these months, but now that it really matters, they don’t seem to be working very well.

– What are you following me for, Takao?

I gulp and hope he doesn’t notice.

– Following you? Who? Me? No…

His eyes narrow.

– That’s what you said this morning. What is wrong with you, in fact?

Offense is the best defence, they say.

– Me? I say and try to put a confident grin on my face. – Funny thing, I was wondering the same about you. What are you doing, snooping around so suspiciously? 

I didn’t think his eyes could narrow more, but they do.

– I’m not “snooping around.” You’re the one following me, so explain yourself.

– Hey, I was just wondering what you’re up to, acting so weird! I say and roll my eyes.

He takes a step toward me, like he’s getting angry, and I find myself taking a small step back before I have time to stop myself. No matter what I’m saying, I still feel like he’s holding something over me, even though he doesn’t know it! And I hate this. But what can I do.

– You’re the one who’s acting weird, Takao.

And he says it with such a piercing, dangerous look in those green, annoying, Shin-chan eyes. With the kind of dangerous voice that I SO DO NOT HEAR IN MY DREAMS SOMETIMES, no, never, not in ANY kind of situation.

So I crack.

– Argh, fine! I let out and raise my hands like he’s won, just so I don’t have to look into those eyes a moment longer. When did I become this pathetic? I’ve had it SO together the whole year, and then… this morning happened.

– Fine! I say again. – It’s because… because I know what your lucky item is for today and I was… curious. Come on, of course I was curious. I don’t know how to mind my own business, right?

I should shut up now, or I’m going to be so obvious that he’ll just see through me and that will be the end of me.

He looks at me coldly for a while, not blinking, not saying anything. And then he sighs and turns away from me.

– Of course you were, he mumbles, and leans his back on the wall.

I blink. I was expecting an outrage of some sort, to hear how annoying I am, to stop bothering him, or silent treatment in the very least.

– Um…, I mutter and squint. – Aren’t we going to fight about it?

I wave my hand in front of his eyes.

– Hello, what happened to Shin-chan? Are you still there?

I try to find my confidence again, to make light of everything.

He sighs again.

– It isn’t like I have time to fight when I have a real problem, in fact.

I stare at him.

– You do? What problem? You can’t find your “lucky item”?

He gives me a long look.

– Precisely, he says and looks away.

My head tilts on the side. It’s kind of unbelievable.

– Are you sure she isn’t sick, or something? I say, raising my brows.

He gives me another long look.

– No. She… cannot be.

I squint at him. He looks away.

– Because… “she”… doesn’t exist.

I stare at him for a while. I just stare for a while and then… I can’t help it, I burst into laughter. It’s real work, to keep myself from falling on my knees to the ground, because it’s just what I was thinking this morning…

– Takao. Shut up, he mumbles.

– No! I can’t! Because… because… you honestly set out to fall in love in a day because your dumb horoscope told you to! And I thought that was exactly what you would do! It’s just… it’s just too much, Shin-chan. It’s priceless! I mean… how do you… how do you even stand yourself…

I can’t stop laughing.

– Now you’re just being rude, he says and he’s still not looking at me. And I would expect him to be at least a little embarrassed, but it’s like… he looks bored. Oh, Shin-chan. He gives of the kind of air, that he might actually be the most unromantic guy you’ve ever met. And I’ve had this fantasy… of course I have… that it isn’t really so, that it’s just an act, but…

Maybe some things really are as they seem.

– I don’t see what else there is for me to do, than find a “love interest”. If I don’t, the consequences will be… Well, it should be worth trying, shouldn’t it?

But I still can’t stop laughing. Now he’s really starting to look irritated.

– You… Shin-chan, don’t tell me… just now, you were scanning the crowd in the hopes of just… randomly falling in love?

And I guess that sounds so stupid to even him, that he doesn’t say anything for a while. He just glances at me, and then, he shrugs.

I try to stop laughing but I can’t hide my grin.

– Shin-chan… you’re… you’re… one of a kind.

That’s the truth. That’s the truth is so many ways. I bet he doesn’t realize what a natural comedian he is. He’s a masterpiece of unintended comedy. I guess that’s why I’ll never grow bored around him. Not in a million years. There’s nothing in this world that makes me laugh like he does.

And I guess that’s why I say what I say next. Because he’s Shin-chan, and he’s so hopeless, and because his mere existence makes me laugh, not just because he’s so funny but because when he makes me laugh, those are, in particular, the moments that I feel lucky just because he exists.

So I say it, even though I’m totally shooting my own leg:

– Look, Shin-chan. I’ll help you.

And maybe I also say it, because it sounds like an impossible task.

He looks up at me.

– You? he says and blinks, just once. – How are _you_ going to help me?

– Hey, I’m an expert! I say and lift my chin. Like it’s actually something to be proud of. Really…

He squints.

– An expert in… what, in fact?

I roll my eyes.

– At falling in love, you dimwit!

It kinda makes me grin that I got to call him a dimwit. He doesn’t seem to care because he’s still just staring at me, like he doesn’t understand. Then he raises a brow.

– I see, he says. – I really didn’t know you had that kind of side.

I roll my eyes again.

– Well, then you have really managed to avoid actually getting to know me during this year. I’m the king of falling in love!

He looks mildly surprised, actually. For some reason that makes me feel oddly satisfied. Even though it’s such a lame thing to brag about.

He looks at me thoughtfully.

– I’ve never seen that many girls around you, he says.

I can’t completely avoid blushing, then.

– W-well! I never said I was the king of _love_, did I? I’m just a king of _falling in love_. Not making someone love me, or even staying in love. But that doesn’t matter, does it? All you need is a love interest for one day. If that’s the case, I’m your man!

And I think I blush more. Because that last sentence could be interpreted in more than one way, and I realize it just as I let it out. But of course, it’s not like Shin-chan notices anything. Actually, would anyone, really? Is anyone on that wavelength except for me?

And then, Shin-chan sort of chuckles. He looks at me with a ghost of a smile, and says:

– Well, I certainly did not anticipate this turn of events. But I’m afraid I’m in a position where I have no choice but to accept your… “expert” help.

And for that, I give him my widest grin.

I know I’m playing a dangerous game. No matter how impossible it is to decide to fall in love in the next few hours… there’s always a possibility I guess, that my… expertise really works, I manage to pair Shin-chan up with someone who he’ll actually eventually like, and who will like him in return.

Maybe I’m having some kind of a counter phobic response.

But somehow it makes sense to me. If he has to fall in love with someone, at least I can take that matter into my own hands. To feel like I have some control over it, makes the whole thing seem a bit more manageable. A bit less scary.

If the miracle happens, and I actually help him find someone, I can only hope it’ll really be for just a day.


	2. Toc

I think I fell in love with Shin-chan because he wouldn’t shut up. I know that sounds weird coming from me, because I’m the one who’s always talking. But it’s different kind of “not shutting up”. I’m just talking, because thoughts seem to be pouring out of me constantly. Sometimes what I say doesn’t really even mean anything. I just say it because, why not? I guess it would do me some good to sometimes stop and think before I speak. And I guess Shin-chan reminds me of that, too. Because sometimes he’s very quiet, he might not say anything for a long time, but when he does speak, it’s going to carry much more weight.

But, it’s not just that his silence makes what he says carry weight, because it’s like his silences carry just as much weight. In that sense, I feel like he never shuts up. I feel like he’s always saying something. Like he has an opinion on everything, and if he’s not saying anything, he’s silently judging.

I guess you could say that everything about him screams “purpose”. Like he always knows what he wants and how to get it.

The exact opposite of me. I bet that makes me really simple, for falling for him. But I couldn’t help it. After getting over my initial hatred for him, after really looking, I just couldn’t look away. Because he seemed to accomplish everything he wanted with such ease. And I knew it wasn’t because he was so good at everything. He just always knew what to go for and how. He always knew the option that was best for him. It’s like he never had to give it a second thought, no matter what it is. And I couldn’t help but think, how I wish I could be that decisive with even one thing in my life.

It’s ironic, though. The same things about him that I think made me fall for him are also the things that drive me absolutely nuts. Because it follows from his “purposefulness” that he has very little room for anything “extra”. For idle wanderings. Something like that doesn’t seem to make any sense to him. He never seems to do anything “just because” and it just makes me want to scream: “Then where do you get joy in life??”

But I know already. For him, it comes from accomplishment. From choosing right, taking the right steps and always doing the best thing he could do the best he can do it. From going forward on the path he’s chosen. I get it. But it won’t stop annoying me. Because it makes him insufferable. Because even though I can’t help but admire and stare in wonder at the efficiency in which he moves from goal to goal, for some reason it also doesn’t seem like moving forward to me. At some point it always starts looking like just doing the exact same thing over and over and over again. And sometimes that makes him look just a little bit crazy to me. Even though most of the time I think that _I’m_ crazy. And because this makes him so stuck up, and stiff and stuck in his ways that it makes me think: “God, how do you not _die_ from boredom?”

While at the same time, I _never_ get bored of him. Because, I guess he’s a kind of enigma to me.

– Since the last break was spent on you bragging about your abilities.., Shin-chan starts when we walk out of the class the next break. – do enlighten me. What would be the first step on the path to falling in love?

Maybe I shouldn’t have bragged about something that really isn’t anything to brag about. As if I even know how or why so many people catch my interest. Most likely, it’s just in my personality. And from what I’ve seen, Shin-chan is my exact opposite in so many ways I have no idea if I can actually help him. (Wouldn’t it be great if I couldn’t?) But I have to come up with some kind of a plan for him. Just to save face. And because he probably can’t button his shirt without a plan.

– Well, first…, I say, rubbing my chin like I’m an old, wise, pondering wizard. I actually don’t have any idea what to say yet, I’m just looking around, hoping that it will come to me.

– Well, actually, you have to enlighten me first! I say and smirk, because I have an opportunity to make Shin-chan embarrassed. – What kind of person do you even like?

But he isn’t embarrassed. He’s in the middle of fixing his glasses and he doesn’t even stop the gesture when he says, matter-of-factly:

– Someone mature, who has compatible goals.

Ugh, right, I feel like I could’ve guessed. I thought it would at least take him some time thinking about it, so I could have some time to think about my next move too, but I’m out of luck. (Even though, according to him, he should be out of luck right now with his lucky item yet to be found!)

– Okay. Okay, well, then… what about…, I mumble, but then think to ask: – What’s your favourite hangout with people there, in the school?

He looks at me and says:

– The library.

– That’s where we’re headed then, I say and grin. – It’s a better chance for you to find someone like-minded than roaming aimlessly around the corridors.

I think there’s a tiny bit of approval behind his look. I’m glad I actually think pretty fast on my feet when I get into it.

– What do I do in there, exactly? Shin-chan asks as we approach the library. I want to sigh. He’s so hopeless.

– You find someone interesting.

– And how do you do that?

– Uh, I… don’t generally have to put in much effort. I just see someone who catches my interest for whatever reason.

– That sounds like a very irresponsible way to go about it. After all, you wouldn’t really know anything of value about that person.

_Well, newsflash, Shin-chan, falling in love IS irresponsible! No wonder you know so little about it!_ But I don’t say that. I take a deep breath and try to think about all the information he’s given me to work with instead.

– Okay. Well, it’s a library, Shin-chan. It’s ideal for your criteria. You can spy on people’s fields of interest based on what they’re reading and determine who’s interesting based on… how compatible their interests are with yours, or… something.

It seems cold and narrow-minded in my opinion, but I keep my mouth shut about it.

His eyes narrow and he looks at me skeptically.

– And you are saying that will work?

– Well, it’s only the first step!

He nods.

– Let’s say I find someone… “interesting”, in some way, then. What should I do next?

– Well, you look at them, of course. In secret. You pay attention to everything they do and try to figure out what kind of person they are… You start thinking about them in class until they consume your thoughts, because they’re far more interesting than anything the teacher is saying, and… that’s about when you should already be in love.

He looks at me, expressionless.

– That doesn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense. Why should you fall in love with someone who seems more like a problem to solve?

That makes me blink.

– Well, that’s… That’s how it works. When you’re in love, the person just… is in your head, they’re all you think about.

– But that doesn’t sound at all practical. It would make more sense to be in love with someone who has proven to be trustworthy and compatible in everyday practical situations. Someone who you could trust to move obstacles with you.

For some reason, I think I almost blush, when he says that, probably because all he’s saying just makes me think of him. And I’m about to get awkward and snap something stupid at him, but I stop myself. Because I realize that me and Shin-chan… we’re both right. Because both what I said and what he said describes exactly how I feel about him. And it makes me smile. So I say it.

– You’re right.

Now he blinks at me. I smirk.

– But you’re not actually talking about _falling in love_. You’re talking about _choosing a partner_. Two different things, two very different things, Shin-chan…, I say with my best teacher voice, I can’t help it.

He kind of glares at me.

– You only need to find someone to fall in love with. It doesn’t have to be practical and it doesn’t have to last, because it’s only for today. And it’s much more likely to find someone who catches your fancy and sparks something like butterflies in your stomach, than it is to find someone who does that AND is also compatible with you in every other way. So, actually yes, my way IS the practical way for you today.

I love it when I’m right and he can’t argue.

He fixes his glasses.

– Well, I was talking about in general, in fact.

It makes me smirk that he can’t come up with anything else. I think I could argue about this for hours without getting bored, but we’ve been standing in front of the library doors for long enough already. So I nod towards them.

Shin-chan sighs and opens the door. I follow him inside. I’m surprised he doesn’t argue, just gives me a weird look.

We walk through all the different kinds of science books, and it really seems to me, occasionally, that Shin-chan is more interested in the books than the girls. But I know he’s actually kind of shy in some ways, no matter how much he tries to hide it. So, I suppose it wouldn’t be any wonder if this was a little overwhelming for him. Suddenly having to somehow assess all those different looking girls, the ones with their noses buried deep into their books, the ones flipping through a thick book or a magazine, the ones taking notes, the ones stopping to think, the ones with a concentrated look, the ones yawning…

What kind of look does Shin-chan even like? Tall, short? What kind of hair? What kind of face? Round? Narrow? Does he want a skinny girl, or someone with a little something to grab… okay, it feels too weird thinking about Shin-chan… grabbing… anything…

I’m going to drive myself nuts by the end of the day.

I’m starting to feel a little bit sick. It’s the feeling in the pit of my stomach I always get when I’m starting to get jealous. I look at Shin-chan’s back in front of me.

Is it possible to fall in love with someone in less than five minutes? That’s what we’ve got left of this break. And I should know from experience that it’s entirely possible. But that’s just me. I hope it isn’t possible for Shin-chan. I know that’s selfish, but he can do one day without his lucky item, just one day, can’t he?

Not sure.

When we eat lunch together at the cafeteria after the fruitless attempts at the library, Shin-chan says:

– Your method doesn’t seem to be working.

– There’s nothing wrong with my method! I say and I’m getting a little frustrated. – You’re just expecting too much.

He raises a brow at me.

– That cannot be true. As I’m really not expecting anything.

– Maybe that’s the problem then, I say, not really even looking at him but my bowl of ramen which seems, somehow, a little sad.

– What do you mean by that?

I look at him for a while and then I look around. Then back at him.

– What do you see, when you look around, Shin-chan?

He squints a little.

– What’s that’s supposed to mean? It’s just our school cafeteria filled with noisy students.

I shake my head.

– No, it isn’t, Shin-chan. It really isn’t. Just look at the girls. Open your eyes and really look. What do you see?

He stares at me blankly.

– I’m not sure I understand where you’re coming from, in fact.

I sigh.

– Okay. Let’s see… The bunhead next table. What do you think of her?

Shin-chan takes a look and returns to his food.

– She looks messy and disorganized.

– Okay, what about the one with glasses behind me?

He’s tall enough to just look straight ahead.

– I can smell her perfume from here. She doesn’t seem to know the meaning of moderation.

I just nod.

– What about that one? Reading _Ribon_.

Shin-chan raises his brows.

– She seems childish for her age-

– No, she doesn’t! I snap, and I didn’t even mean to, but… Shin-chan looks at me in surprise. I sigh and try to keep my voice down.

– No, she doesn’t look childish. She looks like a really awesome and strong person who doesn’t give a damn about what anybody thinks of her. Someone who could make you feel really comfortable if you hung out with her. The glasses girl then, did you even notice how she rocks both the glasses and the school uniform? Some girls think both of those things ruin their looks, and yet she’s way more stylish than all the girls around her. And the bunhead doesn’t look messy. She looks really happy, and free-spirited and like she could take you on an adventure. You’re just too narrow-minded to see it! All you see is mistakes and imperfection. But you know what this cafeteria is _really_ filled with, if you really look? _Potential_, Shin-chan. Endless, fascinating, potential in every single one of those girls you disregard with one look. Free your mind! Open your eyes! See the _possibilities_!

I didn’t mean to go this far, and he’s staring at me blankly. Then he says:

– Why?

I’m not sure I understand the question. But I say:

– Because there’s no other way for you to fall in love in a day than to open your eyes!

– My eyes are perfectly open, in fact, he says. – I’m just more particular than you.

I roll my eyes. He narrows his.

– Or maybe…, he says with a pondering tone. – I just know myself better than you. You’re living in daydreams.

I feel like pulling my hair out.

– But a dream is all you need! For today! Didn’t we already agree on this?

He looks at me like he’s getting bored.

– Maybe I just don’t approve of your method after all.

I sigh.

– There’s nothing wrong with it!

– Is that so? Then, shouldn’t I have found, even one, even mildly interesting girl, at the very least?

For some reason he’s making me so angry now, that I just get up, almost knocking the chair over, and I look at him and say:

– Well, I don’t know Shin-chan! Maybe you just don’t even _like_ girls!

For one terrible second, my mind goes blank, as I realize what I’ve said. Damn you brain. Sometimes I don’t even feel responsible for the stuff that comes out of there.

Next thing I see, is fear. In his eyes. But I know it’s just a reflection. Of _my_ fear. Because I feel the weight of what I said, even if he, or anyone else doesn’t feel it. So, before he has a chance to say anything, to say “Don’t be ridiculous” or “What’s that supposed to mean?”, I’m walking away. Let him think I’m just pissed. If he really needs my help, which he really seemed like he did, he’ll come after me in the end, I guess, if only because it’s a special situation. But I just want a little bit of time to calm down before that.  
Besides, he deserved it all. I mean, come on, I’m the fucking gay, and I see more potential in those girls than he does! Sometimes he’s just insufferable.

I don’t look at Shin-chan in class because I might still blush or something, if he looks at me too intensely, like he knows something, even thought that’s stupid. He’s not going to figure me out just because I said something stupid. I don’t think so. It’s just me being paranoid. But then, when the break starts, I have to glance at him, and I see that he’s doing it again. Sneaking away.

Only this time, I don’t follow him.

Just before the next class starts, I’m still the only one in the classroom yet. And then Shin-chan opens the door. He… almost looks like he’s slightly out of breath. Is he really? I can’t help but stare. He looks back at me, not at all dumbfounded like me, just with his very purposeful gaze.

Just to say something I ask:

– Where were you?

I expect him to say “None of your business” or something. Instead he adjusts his glasses carefully, and says:

– I found what I was looking for.

He walks to his seat and it takes me too long to comprehend, to react. When I’m about to demand an explanation we’re not the only ones in the classroom anymore.

Club practice. There, I will get it all out of him. Which is stupid. But I’ve already been all self-destructive today, so what difference does it make?

Except I don’t have to. I don’t have to do anything. All I need to do is walk into the gym behind Shin-chan. Because he stops. He stops and looks up. And I see it.

Of course, there’s nothing unusual about a bunch of girls (and sometimes guys, too) coming to watch our practice. There’s nothing unusual about some of them waving at someone in our team. But this time one of them waves at Shin-chan. I see it clearly, she looks him straight in the eye. And he looks at her. And nods in answer.

The girl is tall, slender and has really long, black and shiny hair. Her face has kind of a determined look when she smiles.

I just stare. Shin-chan doesn’t look at me. He turns away from the girl and walks ahead.

My heart sinks. I can’t help it. How could I? I didn’t really believe it would happen. That he would really find someone. I didn’t really believe it, not for one second, and that’s why I could so honestly try to help him. I thought it was impossible for someone as “particular” and narrow-minded as him, to fall in love in one day. I was worried, sure, but I didn’t believe he could actually do it.

Let alone talk to that person enough to make them come to our practice??? How on earth did he manage that? It’s almost like…

Like he didn’t really need my help at all. Somehow, that makes me feel even more miserable. Like, if I only could’ve had that over him, I might have felt like I had some dignity left. Now I just feel like the tragedy that I am.

I can’t help looking at the girl every once in a while. And Shin-chan. It must be the first time that him being there feels more distracting than helpful to me.  



	3. Boom

– Do you have anything important to do?

I almost don’t hear Shin-chan, I’ve been so full of thoughts about that girl ogling him ever since I got into the changing room. I blink and turn, seeing him all dressed in front of me, almost like… like he’s waiting for me.

– Huh? Why?

Doesn’t he have his “lucky item” to get to?

– I would like you to meet someone, he says.

I blink more.

– What? I let out and squint. – Do you mean… you mean… her?

He nods solemnly.

Well, I was not expecting this, for sure.

– But why?

He kind of… shrugs.

– Well… the fact is, you helped me. It doesn’t seem too much to me to satisfy your simple curiosity.

He says it like I’m stupid and childish and he’s doing me a favour and lowering himself to my level, but… coming from him, it also feels like he’s letting his guard down just a little bit. So, of course I don’t have anything important to do. Even if it’s going to kill me.

– Also, I… agreed to help her with some homework. You can help me with that.

I frown at him.

– How can I help more than you?

He doesn’t explain. He just turns to go.

– Don’t tell me you want me to take _both_ of you on the rickshaw??

He gives me a glance.

– You can leave that at the school for one night, can’t you?

He turns away and I blink. Okay. If he’s willing to walk to school tomorrow, I guess I can’t even argue. I just follow him.

The weirdest thing is, it doesn’t feel awkward at all. From the moment the girl sees me, Amano, that’s her name, she doesn’t seem at all bothered that I’m there. If anything, she seems quite happy. I’m not sure I really understand the dynamic here.

But here I am. Walking from school with the happy Amano and the expressionless Shin-chan beside me.

– Okay boys! Let’s go to a nice café? I haven’t had a chance in a while! Actually, I know a place that is good for a chat…

If it wasn’t for the fact that she came to watch our practice today and waved at Shin-chan in particular I might believe she’s only in this for the help with her homework, or something. She seems so casual. But, I guess that could just be the kind of person she is.

– Right, she says, taking a notebook out when we’re sitting down at a table. – I got some good material earlier, but there are a lot of mandatory questions. I hope you’re not busy.

– Not at all, Shin-chan says. – We have all the time you need.

She gives him a look that is a little funny, but I’m getting confused by other things by now…

– Earlier? I ask.

– Well, yes, part of the assignment was observing but the interview part…

– Interview? I say and turn to look at Shin-chan.

Amano’s glance shifts between us. Then she sighs and looks at Shin-chan with her brow high.

– I assumed you would’ve filled your friend in?

– He likes surprises, Shin-chan says with a shrug.

Amano rolls her eyes and sighs.

She sounds so… bored. It’s hard to believe a virtual stranger would… And it hits me then, that they must not have met today. Shin-chan already knew this person from somewhere. I have to be right.

And the realization makes me somewhat uneasy. Because it’s not good… it’s not good if Shin-chan picked someone he has any kind of history with. It’s just… it’s not good. It’s not good for one day. Because it can hardly be for just a day, then.

My throat feels tight.

– It’s her Japanese assignment, Shin-chan says like it’s an obligation. – She needed to interview someone about a hobby or a club activity. I… happened to be there. She said two people were even better.

So… that’s why she came to our practice? To watch basketball? Actually to watch basketball? For an assignment? Not just to look at Shin-chan?

Well, it’s… it is a possibility now, isn’t it?

Amano raises her brows like Shin-chan’s explanation is an oversimplification, or something, but doesn’t say anything.

Shin-chan… for once in my life I’m super glad that he’s a tsundere. It’s virtually impossible for Amano to suspect he’d have feelings for her. Even I couldn’t tell… except that I know Shin-chan, so I know he wouldn’t have agreed to help just anyone, and especially not told them that they could basically keep him as long as they wanted. (Even though, in this case he does have a reason to keep his lucky item close as long as possible.)

But maybe Amano doesn’t know that Shin-chan is being especially nice to her. Even if they’ve met before.

– Right, so, anyway, if you’re still up for it, too, I can start, she says and looks at me. I nod, because what else am I going to do now?

– Sure, I’m here, so… ask away.

So, we both answer pretty basic questions I already would’ve known most of Shin-chan’s answers to, and all the while more than half of my brain is still working on the case of Shin-chan’s “love interest”.

How did he pick Amano? How did he decide it was her? I mean, his actions tell me he appreciates her, but his face really doesn’t seem to be saying anything at all. I doubt he walked by her in the corridor and suddenly got butterflies and started to chat. No, it’s much more likely that he decided, in some practical, logical way that she would be the best candidate. When he got up from his seat at the end of that class… he looked so sure. Like he knew exactly what he was doing.

And I realize that he must have gone straight to Amano. He must have… suddenly remembered her and thought she was what he was looking for. And he must have walked up to her and talked to her, hoping to find any non-suspicious way to make her stay with him for the rest of the day, and… he did find it.

It’s like luck favours him even in finding luck.

I find myself getting bored. Now that I’ve solved the mystery there just doesn’t seem to be anything here for me anymore. The situation is out of my hands now. I can no longer be a part of it, it doesn’t in any way depend on me whether or not Shin-chan will forget about Amano, or if the thought of her lingers in his mind, slowly invading more and more space, until one day he realizes that he really is in love with her.

I wonder why I ever thought that I could have any part in something like that. It was never up to me. I shouldn’t have meddled. It was none of my business. I’m too nosy and have only myself to blame for this dull ache that is starting to fill my chest again.

Of course I always knew that Shin-chan would have someone, at some point. That he would have a girlfriend. But he seems so slow about things like that. Because he is, like he said himself, so particular. I hoped, that I might be out of the picture by the time he actually had time to fall in love. At the very least, I was not expecting to be at his first date with someone!

Damn that horoscope.

Why did he even bring me here? Sure, he thought he was satisfying my curiosity, he was being nicer than normal, but this one time, I almost hope that he wouldn’t have…

Why am I still sitting here? It’s getting so dark outside. It reflects my mood perfectly. That slow, invading darkness.

– Takao-kun?

– Hm? Sorry. What was the question?

Amano looks at me apologetically.

– I’m sorry. Are you getting tired?

I shake my head.

– No no, go on ahead.

Apparently, when I think about leaving, I still find myself _just_ thinking about it. Because Shin-chan is here. With her. And I’m jealous.

She smiles.

– Have you ever thought about turning your hobby into a living? Would it be possible to fit in with family life?

I blink. Somehow, the question annoys me instantly.

No, I don’t think I’ve ever thought about anything seriously from the point of view from making a living. I’m sixteen, and I should’ve figured that out by now? Give me a break. On top of that, I should have thought about how it fits in with _having a family_? Sometimes I hate our education.

Maybe Amano sees that I’m uneasy, because she says:

– Uh, sorry, this question sounds a little dumb. Maybe it was written with someone older in mind.

But I’m not really focusing on what she’s saying. I’m suddenly finding it hard to look at her, so I look out of the window.

– I don’t think I’m someone who’s ever going to be able to figure those things out in this place, I find myself muttering. – I won’t be allowed to.

I think I said it mostly to myself, but of course, she’s staring at me, blinking, having no idea what it is that I’m mumbling. I quickly get to my senses and apologize.

– Sorry, I just… I got in my head a little bit. Sorry. Um… I’ll just… I’ll just… bathroom, I mutter and get up. Amano just nods like, sure, I didn’t even sound mental two seconds ago. I can feel Shin-chan staring at me, but he doesn’t say anything as I go.

What got into me? I almost started whining in front of a stranger? Pathetic… Shin-chan and his girlfriend candidate really managed to get under my skin, didn’t they?

I wash my face with cold water and try to put a smile on my face. I can always grin convincingly. I’m not exactly tired but I still yawn because it makes your facial muscles relax, so maybe I won’t look so uneasy then. I grin again, but then…

It just seems so useless. It’s not like they would miss me if I disappeared. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to become _this_. I want it to be the one and only time that I ended up like this. I won’t be Shin-chan’s wing man. That’s just… too much. I don’t want him to expect me to… And after today, he might expect me to be that. And maybe I should. That’s what a good friend should be, right? But it would be… too dishonest. I know that I’m already living a lie in a sense, but that would just be too much. I couldn’t bear it. I can’t. No more.

That’s what I’m thinking when I get out of the bathroom, and then… I almost run into him in the narrow corridor. Shin-chan.

I look at him and blink.

– What are you waiting for? I ask. – There’s plenty of room in there.

He frowns slightly.

– I’m just making sure you’re not running off.

My eyes widen at him.

– What? Why on earth?

– Because it would be most rude to agree to help someone and then just leave in the middle of it.

I narrow my eyes.

– I didn’t exactly agree to it. You put me to this. You’ll be fine without me.

And at that, he looks a little bit alarmed. He moves just a bit in my way.

– You can’t leave.

I roll my eyes.

– Stop it Shin-chan, you’re perfectly capable of making it through a date without me! I’m not your chaperone! And you don’t need one. You found her on your own and you set this up on your own, and I… I had no part in this. And I don’t want to. Not anymore.

– What do you mean?

His voice is a little tense now.

I look at him like he’s a dimwit, like he should know everything, like he should know exactly what I’m feeling right now, and I’m not sure why I do it, because that’s completely mental, but I can’t seem to stop myself from saying:

– I mean, Shin-chan, that this is _your_ thing. This is about you… and her. It hasn’t got… it shouldn’t have anything to do with me, yet, I’m the one sitting there like… like an idiot, just waiting, waiting for this to be over and forgotten, so we can go back to… back to our normal life.

And I look him in the eye. I still see alarm there. But I’m too in my own head now to try to figure him out.

– But that’s not how it’ll be, right? I say, and almost laugh, shaking my head. – This, this is how it’s always going to be, isn’t it? I’ll always be the idiot, just sitting there, standing there, always beside you, and waiting… for you to…

_What am I saying?_

Me and my big mouth. I almost slam my hand over it. The panic that I feel is probably visible to Shin-chan now, it’s right there in my eyes, and he isn’t looking away.

– Sorry, I mumble. I break the gaze and push past him, running straight for the door.

Damn it, I forgot my jacket. It’s spring, but nights are still cold. But it would look really stupid to go back for it now that I left so dramatically. I wonder what Amano thinks of me, now? Except I don’t care what she thinks of me at all. Besides, if Shin-chan is in a nice enough mood he’ll probably bring the jacket to me to school tomorrow. Hah, I snort at my thoughts. Of course he will. He doesn’t have to be in a nice mood to do it, because it would be just mean to leave it, and he isn’t mean. Not really. He’ll just return it first thing in the morning and act like it was such a bother.

The night is so dark and full of people. Sometimes it makes me uneasy, anxious even, to think about it, how I’m just one face in an endless crowd. With my own problems just like anyone, and I feel that each of the faces I see must hide just as much pain and sadness as mine, and when I think like that, it doesn’t seem like I could ever be the one who is heard by someone.

What is one face in the crowd? There are just so many. So many going past me. So many going in the same direction. I wonder if there’s anyone nearby who isn’t going anywhere, like me. Someone yells, someone sneezes. Someone is just standing there, waiting for someone, and…

Someone is running behind me. Maybe they’re coming for that person waiting right there. It makes me smile just a little bit.

Then a hand grabs my shoulder and turns me around.

I stop right there and find myself staring into Shin-chan’s eyes. He’s panting, and still holding onto my shoulder. Oh, for god’s sake, I didn’t expect him to run after me…

He straightens up just a bit. He hands me my jacket.

– Here. You left this.

I sigh, and chuckle.

– You could’ve given it to me tomorrow, I mutter. He’s still looking at me, even though I looked away just now.

– I thought… you might get a cold.

I chuckle again, but I guess I’m just trying to hide my misery. The fact that I could cry. He coming after me just feels so… rom com. Except it isn’t anything like it. It's the definition of bittersweet.

– Thanks, I say. – You can go back now.

I’m not looking at him, but I can still feel that… intense stare from him, right in my bones. He doesn’t move.

– What was it…, he starts. – What were you saying back there? I didn’t quite understand.

I cover my face in my hands.

– Of course you didn’t understand it, Shin-chan, it wasn’t something you’re ever supposed to understand. It wasn’t something I was ever supposed to say!

I still can’t look at him and he keeps staring at me. This is making me so, so, so… hot.

I think I can feel him tense.

– In that case, you should have had the self-control not to say it, he says.

– Damn right, I should have! I yell and pull my hands from my face and now I’m looking at him and he looks… flustered. Not as much as me, I bet, but… it’s there.

– You said you were waiting, he says. – What would you be waiting for?

I sigh and look down.

– A daydream, Shin-chan. Just a daydream. Nothing you would approve of, you see? You said daydreams were bad.

He frowns slightly when I glance at him.

– I didn’t say they were bad.

– But it’s not practical, I say. He shakes his head slightly.

– No, it’s not. I believe it’s best to live in reality.

I nod.

– But, what if you had no reality to live in, Shin-chan? Would that excuse a little bit of dreaming?

My voice is starting to feel thin, like I might actually cry, right here in front of him. It’s so weird. He seems to be so close, and the cool, dark, night air seems like some kind of magic surrounding us. Because something is making me say these things.

– I have no reality. I don’t have it, someone like me, I say quietly. It’s weird, I don’t even regret it, I don’t care that it probably makes no sense to him, I don’t care if he’ll demand an explanation or not, it just feels like… like Shin-chan is my safe heaven and I can say anything. Like he wouldn’t care. Because he keeps looking at me openly, like that.

Right. Eyes wide open. He told me his eyes were already open. I can see it now.

– Would you like to have a reality, Takao?

I chuckle. But then it brings tears to my eyes. Damn it.

– Yes, Shin-chan, of course I would! More than anything…

But I can’t finish that sentence. I have to bite my lip not to cry out loud.

And then I feel how fingers curl around mine. I must have imagined it, but… I haven’t. Shin-chan has leaned even closer to… take my hand. His face is still flustered. More flustered than before. He still keeps looking at me. What can I do but look back helplessly?

He swallows. I see it. Almost hear it.

And then he asks this:

– With… me?

I can’t believe we’re having the same conversation. He must be talking about something else. But I’m in a magic bubble or something and it makes me laugh through my tears.

– Yes, I say and nod, so many times. – Yes, Shin-chan, with you.

But then, since that’s done, since this is as far as this fantasy will ever go, I feel like I need to break out of this matrix. I turn my head away.

– Go back to your lucky item, I say, but somehow I can’t seem to let go of his hand. I squeeze it tighter.

– It’s right here, he says simply. So simply. So unapologetically. In a way that doesn’t even seem to leave any room for wondering if you heard right.

He grabs the jacket that I’m still holding in my hand, and in one swift movement he steps closer to me, leans down on my level, throws the jacket over our heads, his taped fingers brush my chin, followed by his lips, pressing on my mouth.

My eyes widen, in the dark, made darker by his makeshift cover over our heads. Dark, dark, dark reality. Reality is not perfect. It seems so, so, so dark. For me. But this darkness is good. Because it’s shared.

I sob. I grab his collar and pull him closer, sobbing, and kissing him. His hand is behind my neck and he keeps kissing me. And it must be the single most amazing feeling I’ve ever felt in my lonely life. I didn’t think I was lonely. I never would’ve put it that way. But now, now that I’m right here and this exact thing is happening to me, only now I can feel it, I can feel it so clearly. I’ve been _so_ lonely.

I asked myself over and over, who would be this daring? Never, in my wildest daydreams, did I actually think, that _Shin-chan_ would.

His glasses smash against my face and we stop. Breathing heavily.

He puts the glasses out of the way and is on my mouth again, and I’m dying from how light-headed, how dreamy, how wonderful it makes me feel, but that couple of seconds there was between us, I couldn’t help but regain enough sanity to realize we can’t keep doing this. Not here. _He_ should be the careful one!

It’s pain, but I pull away.

– Shin-chan… people…, I get out quietly. After all, it’s not like it isn’t obvious what we’re doing, if anyone stopped to look!

He shrugs.

– They might just think you’re a girl.

– I’m sure!

– It’s dark. You’re covered almost to your elbow.

– Shin-chan…

I pull the jacket off.

Now we’re definitely flustered. And for the first time, he averts his eyes. But I’m looking at him, because, my mind is suddenly so full of questions, and trying to work through all of them at once…

– Shin-chan… What is… What was… Today… Amano…

– She’s my cousin.

I blink.

– Your cousin?

He nods.

– Why on earth would you… Never mind, I don’t understand anything.

He snorts just a little bit.

– It’s not like you were supposed to.

I shake my head.

– I… I…, I start, opening and closing my mouth stupidly, until the words come. – I was so anxious today! Panicked. I kept tabs on you because I couldn’t bear it… And at the same time I _had to_ know who it was. Your lucky item. I didn’t want to hate them, but I was going to, I was going to hate Amano forever, and… now she’s your cousin?

Shin-chan nods.

– Why would your cousin be your lucky item?

He rolls his eyes.

– Keep up, Takao, I literally just told you the truth. She was not my lucky item.

I blush deeply.

– In… in my defense, I think you managed to completely wipe my mind of everything right after you said… that.

He blushes too. My head is in chaos, but my chest feels warm.

– I was going to avoid you today, Shin-chan says calmly.

I blink.

– I thought that… avoiding you would be the one way to… make you stick close to me for… sure.

He speaks so quietly now. And everything he says makes my heart pound.

– That’s cruel, Shin-chan.

To my surprise, he nods.

– I… couldn’t have just acted normally, could I? If you happened to know what my lucky item for today was… Well, it wouldn’t have been enough for you if I’d just claimed not to have one. I had to at least pretend I was looking for it.

My eyes widen.

– You…

But then I can’t help but start laughing. I laugh, and there are still some sobs buried in my chest that come out too, and then I punch Shin-chan on the arm.

– You… let me follow you around in pain, wondering who to hate… You made me _help you_ do that.

– I didn’t know you were in pain. How could I have?

– How did you, in the end?

– Well, I… I couldn’t have been sure. I took a calculated risk.

It still baffles me. He took that kind of risk for me. Nope, almost nothing is really sinking in, right now.

He sighs.

– Okay, he says, rubbing his forehead. – There was one time, months ago, when you… apparently thought you were alone in the changing room. Well, I was… I was just about the go in, when I heard you…

I’m already blushing in advance.

Shin-chan rubs the back of his neck.

– You yelled. I believe the exact wording was: “I’m so gay.”

Oh my god.

I cover my face.

– You sounded… desperate. But I thought it was just… your way of saying something else. Until it came back to me, just today. Because of… your reaction to that one question. When you muttered about your future and… “people like you”. I thought…

I nod.

– And then I almost confessed to you in front of the bathroom, I say.

He blushes. What a blush fest.

Shin-chan finally puts his glasses back on at looks at me.

– The bottom line is… I wasn’t worried today, not much, because… I always knew I would have you right there, if only… if only I could just keep it that way.

And I think I’m going to burst from this blushing so, I ask the first question I can grab in my mind:

– But what did your cousin have to do with it? I get why you accepted my idiotic help with finding your “item” but what was she…

To be honest, I feel a desperate need to drag Shin-chan off, somewhere, anywhere where we can be alone, but at the same time that thought just completely terrifies and paralyzes me, because I can't believe this is all real... so, it's easier to just keep focusing on the stuff that doesn't really even matter. The stupid little details. But... maybe, just maybe, after they're all in place, the picture will start to look like something I can actually believe in.

– That was all because you said I might not like girls, Shin-chan says, looking down. I try to catch his eyes.

– Do you? I ask. I have to. I don't know. Maybe it's not the important question, but I'm looking for anything that could clear my head.

He's just quiet for a while. And then... he shakes his head, just a little bit.

– Not at all?

I can see him swallow again.

– Not ever, he almost whispers and finally looks at me. And again, it just makes me blush.

– I... I was a coward, he says then, which makes my eyes widen in surprise. – That’s why it was… it was no longer enough to just pretend to be looking and never find anyone. I had to find someone. For show. For you. So you would think…

He looks away like he’s ashamed. Oh, Shin-chan. I’m no better. I’m definitely no better.

– She had asked the day before if I’d have time to be in her assignment. I had originally said today wasn’t good. But after that incident at the cafeteria, I saw it as a perfect opportunity to make you think I’d brought a girl to our practice.

I squint.

– Okay, Shin-chan, so far so sly. But if your attempt at making me stay with you after school was this dumb assignment, you should’ve done better.

And maybe that was the right thing to say, because Shin-chan seems to regain some strength, and suddenly looks more like that everyday Shin-chan I know.

– I admit it was rather poorly executed, he says. – But I had to keep both you, and her with me, so you wouldn’t suspect anything. It wasn’t exactly an easy situation to control.

I burst out laughing.

– This is priceless!

I’m laughing and crying again at the same time, and I wish that I could just step closer to Shin-chan, into his warmth, because I feel like he wouldn't even complain, but I can’t. Not here.

– Let’s walk, he says then.

What can I do but follow him?

We walk in silence for a while. I’m not sure where we’re headed.

– You said your type of person was mature, Shin-chan. You lied about everything, I say then.

He smiles, ever so slightly.

– Not everything.

I give him a questioning look. He glances at me.

– You… seem to know yourself very well. So much, that you can put your immediate feelings at bay for other people, when you need to. No immature person can do that.

Nope, still not sinking in, nothing he says. But I don’t mind. I can think about all of it tomorrow, when he’s most likely returned to being an incredible tsundere. I’ll never let him forget anything he said tonight.

Shin-chan has brought us to a park, with less light and less people. I get up the nerve to grab his arm and walk like that for just a bit.

– I’m not sure where we are, I say. – You’ve messed up my sense of direction. You’ll have to walk me home after midnight.

He nods.

– After midnight.

_It’s me_, I think suddenly. _Shin-chan’s lucky item was me, all along._ It’s still not quite sinking in.

I start laughing again. He looks at me.

– I wonder what my horoscope said today, I say.

– Didn’t you see it yourself?

– Uh, duh, I was a little too preoccupied with yours to pay attention, I say and roll my eyes. Shin-chan looks ahead.

– It was mixed luck for you today, he says. I chuckle, because, to be honest, that just sounds like a way to describe any day, whenever, in anyone’s life.

I have to let go of his arm because I feel like people are looking. And it’s so dark. Who knows what kind of person might take note.

But I did get to walk like that, just for a moment. And everything that Shin-chan said, everything he did… Well, my brain isn’t ready to think about it yet, is it? But I’m going to. I’m going to think about it so hard for the rest of my life, and nothing that ever happens to me is going to take those moments away from me.

So I say:

– I feel lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a playlist for everything I write, so here's for this fic, if you're interested:
> 
> To the Sky - Owl City  
Lucky Star - Amy Diamond  
Winter in July - Sarah Brightman  
Ordinary Life - Simple Plan  
Lucky One - Simple Plan  
Wait It Out - Imogen Heap  
Sparks Fly - Taylor Swift  
Kiss Me Like Nobody's Watching - Simple Plan  
Walk With Me - Elle Skies


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